Losing lots of weight and regaining your health is a wonderful thing. The lap band is a wonderful tool since it helped me get my life back. Believe me since losing all 250 pounds and getting fit I have a great new life, but I still have frequent bouts of body image issues. Just who is that person looking back at me in the mirror and what does she want?
How could all of this be invisible?
Some days it seems like the past six years have taken an entire lifetime. Other days I feel like I’m back in early 2004 once again. It is hard to explain why on most days I wake up and run my hands up and down my body, double checking that my stomach and butt are really gone- for good. I feel my port and know my lap band is ok. Then I flex my arms and feel the muscles I work on daily at the gym and remember that I can easily get up out of bed and start my day. That first thing in the morning process always puts at least a little smile on my face. Then I start my day.
Fit and strong and confident?
I look at myself in the mirror and just what is it that I see? I have noticed that this varies on a day to day basis. Some days I really like what I see – a very fit, healthy, 61 year old woman who has fought and won the obesity battle. She is strong, looks good, and, if she ignores a few wrinkles here and there, she doesn’t look her age. She has gone from a size 28/30 at 424 pounds to a size 10/12 at 175 – 185 pounds with the help of lap band surgery. All is good. The other days I look in the mirror and would like my legs to not have so much excess skin hanging from them, my chin to not be so sloppy, my butt rounder, fewer wrinkles in my face, etc, etc, etc. Then the old song starts playing louder in my head and when I look in the mirror I see a fat old lady. Intellectually I know this is not so, but emotionally all of the old baggage comes back up. Then my memory starts working.
I remember being at Sam’s or Costco when I weighed 424 pounds and trying to lift a case of water. I would fight with the shopping cart and the water and finally, in a sweat, get the water onto the cart. Now I go to the store, bend to lift the case of water and there are at least 2 men right there offering to help- and neither one works for the store. Imagine that, at 424 pounds I was invisible and suddenly I’m visible. Same thing when I put my carry on bag in the overhead on a plane. When I weighed 424 pounds I would struggle to get it up in the overhead, and then struggle once again to get it down, winding up red in the face and out of breath from the exertion. No help from anyone (other than my husband if he was with me). Now, I easily put my bag up and, when I go to retrieve it, if I can’t reach it I just hop up on a seat and get it down- no problems, no worries. It’s a breeze when you are physically fit. Once again there are usually two or three men of various ages offering their assistance which I politely decline.
Did somebody suddenly give out a ration of gentleman pills to all of the men I come in contact with? I think not. Once I was invisible, now apparently that is no longer the case. Now, when I am perfectly able to do it for myself I have all the help I need and then some, when before, when I was obese and physically unable I had no help at all. There is definitely something inherently wrong with this pattern.
I guess you could say that obesity is an invisible killer, since apparently those of us who suffered from it, or who currently suffer from it are somehow invisible to the rest of society and are exempt from normal day to day pleasantries such as getting help lifting heavy objects. One could also say that it must be my improved self esteem that attracts the attention of those willing to help me. Maybe my current “aura” is brighter, or vibrating at a better color but that doesn’t account for all of it. It is my improved self -esteem that allows me to see that strong, fit woman in the mirror, and present myself as such to the world. But, it is that invisible fat lady who doesn’t want to go away forever that keeps me seeing all those folds of skin and wrinkles in the mirror. I may have “come a long way baby”, but I still have a long way to go. Guess that’s why we call lapbanded living a journey.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Boy did this hit home today! I look in the mirror everyday and for some reason I still see the “old” me. People tell me all the time that I look so different.. You look Awesome, gorgeous, skinny, fantastic, etc… I wish I could see what they see. I still see the 273 pound person that I was 8 moths ago. I see the number on the scale is way different and my old clothes hang off of me… but mentally I still see me as the way I have always been. I also know that suddenly people who never talked to me are wanting to strike up conversations, and men seem to be everywhere to help me lift thing, and I am having a had time with it.
Wow, Sandi. Your writing and ability to express your thoughts are wonderful. You really have a gift. Thanks, once again, for sharing with all of us.
Sandi, I completely understand the whole “invisible” thing. It is bizarre. I remember (when I was much thinner) all of the assistance and attention I got. Now, it is as if I blend into the woodwork!! And..I’ve got a lot of guy friends, but it is as if they just don’t think of me in “that” way so we stay in the friend zone. But..with each passing day I know I am getting healthier, feeling stronger, and gaining more confidence.
Wow Sandi,
It was like you were writing about me. I’m going through the whole mirror and still don’t see what everyone see. I can say being at goal for a couple of months and still losing, I’m starting to see a bit of the change. Thanks so much for all the inspirational stories. It is good to know we are not alone.
I am going to attend a seminar in Moorpark, Ca on Dec 14. for Dr. Billy.
I would like to know if your insurance covered most of it. I have medicare, blue cross and Tri care?
Can I drink milk at all afterward, ever?
What happens to all the lose skin?