Sometimes life just isn’t fair. Bad things happen to good people. Sometimes bad things happen to innocent children. I just experienced a terrible loss, one that doesn’t make any sense in the “scheme of things”, one that leaves you wondering, ”What is it really all about?” Through all of the pain and loss, through the anger and grief, through the large open wound in my heart, I still had choices to make. The choices were more difficult than usual since everything was clouded in a haze of emotion. I could choose to exercise or not exercise. I could choose healthy foods or foods I knew were bad for me. I could choose to work my tool or not work my tool. Old habits came up immediately – sit in a chair eating the cookies being delivered non- stop to the house, or make a healthy dinner. Stay in bed, or get up and go to the gym. I must admit, the cookies won out more often than I would have liked them to, but going to the gym most every day kept me sane. Had I not been able to work out I might have fallen apart. I still was physically and emotionally exhausted, unable to sleep well, and under a huge amount of stress. I cannot even begin to imagine what I would have been like had I not gone and worked out. Nor do I want to find out.
My food choices were a lot hazier than the choice to go to the gym. As I said, cookies won. Food on the run won. Processed carbs won. But not forever. I was not drinking with my meals, so my tool still gave me the stop I needed. This kept the calories from being totally ridiculous and that was a good thing. After several days of basically ignoring food preparation, and not even tracking total intake in my head, which I have done for the past 6 years , I had another choice to make. Would I ignore the fact that I would spiral down physically as well as emotionally by continuing to eat processed carbohydrates – my true nemesis, or could I “re-boot” and get back to basics. I elicited the aid of my 16 year old granddaughter on this one. She was also eating more than usual. I asked her if she needed a supermarket trip to get healthier foods into the house. She indicated that this would help her since it was harder to make good choices when the only thing available was not so good food. Off we went and purchased a cart full of healthy, high protein, calorie restricted foods for both of us to eat. I also asked if she would please ask me if I really wanted that cookie the next time I reached for one and if she would like me to do the same for her. We agreed that we would point out the mindless eating to each other in hopes that we both would stop.
Next I made sure that breakfast and lunch were planned, and tried to start planning dinners again. As my schedule was still up in the air, it took a few more days, and several more handfuls of carbs, to get dinners stabilized. I think I have finally “re-booted”. I’m back on the wagon. I just finished lunch and so far today I have had 500 calories and about 50 grams of protein, and I swam laps for 45 minutes this morning. Just writing it down has me feeling better, and I know I will be able to stay “on the wagon” going forward.
There are actually a few morals to this story:
- Sometimes life sucks and there is nothing you can do about it
- Exercise can keep you sane
- Processed carbohydrates are not my friends
- Mindless eating is an easy trap to fall in
- Having a support buddy, even if she is 16 years old really can help
- Having a support buddy, even if she is almost 62 really can help J
- Stocking up with good food choices is an easy way to insure good choices
- Always have a plan and work it
- Journaling is a great equalizer
I would like to thank all of my friends and family for their caring and support through this difficult time.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Wishing you the best during your difficult time.
I see my doctor to set a date on July 12th and your down to earth, honest assessments of what is ahead give me much inspiration.
Sandi – I don’t know what happened, but I am truly sorry for your loss. Your blog has helped me tremendously as always. Your granddaughter sounds wonderful and is very lucky to have someone with the experience you’ve had! Hang in there.
Thank you for all you do.
Angie
Im sorry to hear of your loss. It is good that you can recognize when things are getting out of hand and do something about it. I think that may be the difference between those of us who have a pattern of being over weight and those that dont. The other day I ate a doughnut and for a sec had that nagging feeling that I had totally blown things. But then I reminded myself that it was one doughnut and just continued the day as planned with a small healthy dinner. When i weighed in I had still lost 2 kilos. I guess when times get tough sometimes we need reminding of these things.
You are beautiful – you have conquered the weight and despite a personal setback which sounds like it was very intense you are still a champion! At the core of all that is swirling in your mind, I can totally still learn from you and see your strength — you haven’t forgotten the basics. I just got banded last week and I can’t tell you how inspiring you are. You are touching others even when you don’t know it Sandi. Stay strong lady —- you’re a winner!! And I will be too!!
(or as they said in Weight Watchers….I’ll be a LOSER) 
Hi Sandy,
Stay strong. You are beautiful inside and out.
Love, Jana
My belated, but most sincere condolences, Sandi.
Glad to hear you re-booted. Your granddaughter’s wonderful and sounds as strong as you.
Dear Sandi, I am sorry for your loss. Times of stress are very difficult to not jump into old habits again. I got sick with asthma the first time in almost 2 Yrs. This was 3 months after lapband surgery. I have been doing all the journaling, psychological work, etc. but it sent me this morning for a loop as I started catastrophysing and worked about having to take prednisone, how long I would be ill, and would this knock me off the wagon. Crazy thoughts were going through my head as my son is having a difficult time now and I was blaming myself, and being ill made me miss a visit from out of town relatives and I have a serious appointment for my aunt who has alzheimer’s on Wedns. I was telling myself I was inadequate, wondering if I got sick because I was eating like I should for the lapband, etc and that this was making me have a sickness in reaction to eating properly. ( Like, maybe I was sabatouging(sp) my self) The crazy things my mind can send me running after and usually leads to a binge, so I don’t have to think or feel. I took a nap instead because I had gotten myself seriously worn out.
Again I am sorry for your loss, it sounds like it was an important one. Keep on keeping on and your blogs have inspired me as I begin the journey that you have traveled before. I will be praying for you.